When shelter-in-place restrictions eased in May in Gurnee, Ill., Laura Davis’s immediate thought was: When are people coming over? The teacher’s mother and two sisters live within driving distance, she said, and her backyard can accommodate social distancing.
It turned out that wasn’t going to be easy.
Ms. Davis, 38, landed in an argument with her older sister over get-together terms. Her sister and mother have health conditions putting them at risk for complications from the new coronavirus and said they would come only if they could sit outside, if no one ate and if everyone wore masks—including all nine children.
Ms. Davis thought that was excessive and couldn’t understand why food she prepared would be riskier than food delivered from restaurants. Her sister and mother wouldn’t budge.
“It’s been a weird balancing act. And a lot of compromising and a lot of tension,” she said. “I’m trying to understand them, but I’m also trying to push them a little bit. You can’t do this for two years until there’s a vaccine.”
The question of how to resume aspects of normal life months after the first known U.S. coronavirus death is confounding businesses and roiling state and national politics. It is also straining relations among friends and relatives.
The recent surge of confirmed cases in many states has made the question more urgent, upending reopening plans and prompting several states to reverse course or hit pause. Disagreement among federal officials, governors and mayors has led to shifting official messages and rules about how to stay safe.
‘It’s been a weird balancing act,’ says Ms. Davis, top. ‘I don’t think I’m too careful,’ says her sister Katie Clark, bottom right, with their mother, Kathy Clark.
Behind all the confusion are thousands of conversations and arguments every day in households across America about how to do the right thing—with disagreements on what that is.
Behavior one friend or relative deems essential around other people—mask-wearing, say—is considered excessive by another. Differences over safety measures split some families on partisan lines, much as they divide parts of the country.
Fraught summer
Summer is especially fraught, with vacation plans suddenly a debate about risk versus closeness and tradition. Every summer, Dani Duncan’s 12-year-old daughter goes with Ms. Duncan’s in-laws from their hometown of Jacksonville, Fla., to Daytona Beach for a month.
This year, she and her husband didn’t think it was safe and said no. Her in-laws took offense, she said: “They were like, ‘You don’t trust us with her.’ ” Her husband replied, “Obviously, we do,” said Ms. Duncan, 49. “It became personal.”
Ms. Duncan’s daughter already spends one night a week with her in-laws, who live a mile and a half away, and she viewed Daytona as an unnecessarily risky trip to a touristy area where the family typically dines out often. Her father-in-law suggested a weekend trip instead of a month, but she wasn’t OK with that.
Her daughter was upset about the change of plans, she said, and her in-laws felt hurt. She said her father-in-law declined to comment.
As Anthony Fauci, the U.S. government’s top infectious-disease expert, continues to warn of a resurgence of Covid-19, families like Tom Ross’s have debated whether to hedge plans to account for a possible second wave.
Sources: Johns Hopkins Center for Systems Science and Engineering; the Lancet; Associated Press; U.S. Census
Mr. Ross, 29, living in Golden, Colo., and his fiancée Katie Carter, also 29, planned to wed June 20. In April, they were still hopeful they could proceed and told their extended families on a Skype call that the wedding was still on.
After the call, they both thought: “Did you see everybody’s reaction?” Mr. Ross said.
“They didn’t want to say anything rude to us,” he said, “but you could tell in the back of everybody’s mind they’re shaking their heads like it’s not going to happen, or they’re not going to want to go.”
The couple, planning to marry in Pittsburgh, postponed their wedding until Sept. 6. They expect some family members, particularly older ones, might decline to attend. Ms. Carter’s parents pushed for a still-later date, concerned they’ll have to postpone again, said Ms. Carter. The couple has decided against that. “We’ve been engaged for so long now,” Mr. Ross said, “we’re kind of eager to just do it.”
His cousin, Vicki Ross, 40, isn’t sure she will be able to attend, worried about a potential fall flare-up. “We feel it’s inevitable that we’re going to get sent home again,” she said. “Because of people not social distancing, because of people not doing the things that need to be done in order to let some semblance of normalcy come back.”
Tom Ross and Katie Carter, here in an October engagement photo, postponed their wedding.
Photo: Happylandic CO.The national conundrum over when and how employees should go back to workplaces is spilling into relationships including James Klock’s. The Chicago teacher and his wife said they were philosophically aligned on how to manage potential exposure. Mr. Klock, 47, has chronic asthma and hypertension.
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His wife returned about a month ago to her job as a librarian where mask-wearing isn’t enforced. They both felt her work environment might put him in jeopardy. But they fought over what to do, Mr. Klock said: “Should she just quit her job or should she take risks that we previously agreed were not acceptable?”
He has encouraged his wife to advocate for herself, but she doesn’t want to cause trouble. “I feel uncomfortable with her staying in a situation where her health and safety is not being respected,” he said.
She said, asking not to be named: “It was about as upsetting as any big marital fight.”
Partisan perils
In America, who takes what position in the family debate over Covid-19 measures is sometimes drawn in party lines. Some within families say the virus’s threat has been overblown by political liberals and the media; others say politically conservative Americans have unwisely played down the threat.
Comfort Levels
Republicans are more at ease than Democrats about going to places like restaurants, salons and friends’ houses.
Percentage of respondents who would feel comfortable:
0%
20
40
60
80
100
Democrats
Going to grocery store
Republicans
Visiting family member or close friend inside their home
Going to hair salon or barbershop
Eating out at a restaurant
Attending indoor sporting event or concert
Attending crowded party
Source: Pew Research Center online survey of 4,708 U.S. adults conducted June 16-22
A June survey by the Pew Research Center said partisanship—more than race, geography, gender or age—was the biggest factor in determining comfort levels with various activities. The partisan difference widened since Pew conducted a similar survey in March, with Republicans significantly more at ease than Democrats about going to places like restaurants, salons and friends’ houses.
Mary Ellen Carroll, 48, who lives in Huntington, W.Va., has barely left home since March. Her husband, Mike Carroll, plays golf several times a week and has been sitting outside on the country-club patio with fellow players after rounds—6 feet apart, he said.
“I don’t want him to go because he’s 70 years old,” she said. “There have been arguments.” Mr. Carroll said: “There’s been discussions,” but “we don’t really argue.”
They also disagree over whether their disagreement falls along partisan lines. The politically conservative Mr. Carroll wears a mask only in the grocery store, he said. Ms. Carroll wears a mask when she goes out and said she gets dirty looks from people—her mask says “Ridin’ With Biden,” she said, but she also gets negative reactions in a pink knitted one without a slogan.
“You know conservatives don’t believe in quarantine and masks,” she said.
Mr. Carroll said: “It’s not political.” While it is good to be cautious, he said, he isn’t particularly concerned about contracting the virus.
The Huntington mayor’s office said Covid-19 safety protocols are set by the state government, which doesn’t require masks. W.Va. Gov. Jim Justice on Thursday said he was considering implementing a mask requirement for some situations. The state had reported 3,006 Covid-19 cases and 93 deaths as of July 2 morning, according to its health department.
Ms. Carroll’s adult son doesn’t wear masks either, except at work. “I’ve been on a ventilator, and those two fools haven’t,” she said, referring to an illness she said she suffered several years ago. “I don’t hug or kiss my son,” she said.
Ms. Davis in her Gurnee, Ill., backyard on Wednesday.
When Mr. Carroll went to the gym without a mask after it reopened, staff told him he couldn’t be there without one, he said. A local daily reported on June 19 that a staffer at his country club, along with a member and his spouse, tested Covid-19 positive. Hearing of cases at the club, Ms. Carroll said: “I was like, ‘Are you kidding me? This is what I’m talking about.’ ”
The club confirmed the report. Mr. Carroll continues to play golf there, he said on the phone from the course, confident in the club’s safety protocols.
Ms. Davis of Illinois eventually found a solution for her May get-together, agreeing her children would wear masks outside. No one ate until her sister and mother had left.
The sister, Katie Clark, 41, has diabetes. She said Ms. Davis’s inference that she didn’t want home-cooked food was a misunderstanding; she didn’t want people eating because they would have to take off their masks, which she didn’t think was safe. She also was frustrated that Ms. Davis questioned whether she missed the children.
“I was really irritated, because I was like, ‘You know I miss your kids,’ ” she said. “That’s when I had to not yell, but be very stern.”
Ms. Davis “thinks I’m far too cautious, and I don’t think I’m too careful,” said Ms. Clark, a librarian. “We decided if we could be one person we’d handle Covid perfectly.”
Their mother, Kathy Clark, 70, said she’s coming around and has started spending time with the family indoors—6 feet apart, wearing masks. “It’s just like anything,” she said. “The more you do the new thing, the more you get comfortable.”
For the Fourth of July, Ms. Davis plans to attend a family party that Ms. Clark and their mother don’t plan to attend because the younger Ms. Clark worries people won’t wear masks.
Ms. Davis’s parents-in-law presented another dilemma. When she had them over in June, everyone agreed on the plan: Precautions included bring-your-own water bottles, mask-wearing, 6-foot distancing.
But her 8-year-old and twins, 6, hadn’t seen their grandparents in months and had a hard time staying away. Her mother-in-law is immunocompromised. Ms. Davis could see her father-in-law getting anxious. “He kept saying, ‘Boys, you’re too close to Grandma,’ ” she said. “You could tell it was too much.”
For Father’s Day, Ms. Davis’s in-laws asked that only her husband come over. She said she felt bad for her in-laws and for her children. “It’s hard to keep explaining to them, ‘Remember we have to take care of our family,’ ” she said.
Her mother-in-law, Linda Davis, 71, of Lake Forest, Ill., said she and her husband plan to see their grandchildren in a few days—outdoors, where the risk seems to be low.
“It makes me wonder what’s gonna happen in the fall,” she said. “But for right now, I’m happy to have that chance.”
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