Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
About a decade ago, my husband and I briefly experimented with opening our marriage to some new experiences. It was fun, but didn’t really turn out to be a thing we wanted to keep doing. It might have been the pandemic that stopped it or just us realizing it wasn’t our thing. Regardless of the reasons, we don’t keep up with it anymore. With the exception of one friend we made during that time.
Scott is a single, all-around awesome guy that we met during this time. We had some great fun in the bedroom with him, but we both grew to adore him outside of the bedroom. He’s funny, charming, and just a blast to be around. Even though we are no longer intimate with him, we love hanging out with him and there has never been an issue.
A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine expressed interest in Scott. It seems like a no-brainer. He’s awesome, she’s awesome, I love them both, of COURSE, they should date! They’re adults— if it doesn’t work out, I’ll have no problem confining my friendship with both of them. So I encouraged her to ask him out and all seems well. They had a great first date and likely will keep going. My dilemma is, should I tell her how we know Scott? I introduced him as a dear old friend, which is true, but… I don’t think it should matter, it’s history. But by withholding this information, I also feel like I’m making that decision for her, which doesn’t feel right, either.
—Should I Tell?
Dear Should I,
Tell her. You should have told her the minute she expressed interest! And then tell Scott that you’ve told. You don’t want this secret to get any bigger or more complicated than it has to be. Specifically, I don’t want you to have to explain why you weren’t fully honest months or years down the line when these two have an even deeper connection. Include all the important notes like “I don’t think it should matter,” “I love you both,” “He’s awesome, you’re awesome,” and “It’s history.” But let her make her own decision.
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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I recently put a pool in. We live in the same neighborhood as a lot of his family. The rules were the kids could come over and swim as much as they wanted as long as one of us was there and we were asked first. Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for my 12-year-old niece, “Gail.” Gail has always been spoiled by her mother and has never faced a single consequence for her misbehavior. Gail wanted to come over with some friends to use the pool. I told her no because I would be at the office with clients.
Instead, Gail stole the backup key we gave her grandmother and brought over friends. I got a notice from my security camera and had to leave a meeting to take care of this. Worst of all, Gail lied to my face and told me that her mother knew she was there and she had permission. I called my sister-in-law who was shocked and said she had dropped off Gail and her friends at the mall. Gail and her friends took the local bus to our street (which she isn’t allowed to do because of all the perverts that use it). I was just fed up. I told Gail that she was in big trouble and whatever punishment her mom thought up wasn’t enough. She was banned from using our pool for the rest of the summer. Of course, Gail turned on the waterworks and was still crying by the time her mother came to pick her up.
My sister-in-law was not happy—with me. She snapped that Gail made “one mistake” and was “just a little girl.” I told her that Gail cost me a client and whatever trust I had in her. Our family is lucky that I am only banning Gail instead of stopping the swim visits altogether. It has been two weeks and it keeps coming up in conversation with my in-laws. Gail is the only daughter in the family—very much the little princess. I am tired of it. My husband agrees with me but thinks that the rest of the summer without using the pool is a bit much. I need some backup here. Help!
—Pool Ban
Dear Pool Ban,
I’m not going to ask how you know that the bus is a pervert mobile. Anyway, you are totally entitled to ban Gail for the rest of the summer, for life, or for however long you want. It’s your property. But the right question to be asking is not, “Isn’t that a bit much?” It’s, “What’s the goal?” Seriously, what do you hope the ban will accomplish that having a conversation or helping to find a summer camp to keep her occupied would not?
I have a few ideas: It sounds to me like you’ve been dying to punish Gail since long before the pool break-in. You want to create a moment in which she is not “spoiled’’ or “a little princess” because the way she’s raised has long gotten under your skin. And this is your chance! An opportunity to implement the kind of tough love you don’t think she gets from her mom! Yay! I guess?
Maybe, more generously, you feel violated and don’t want to be around someone who essentially broke into your home. Fair. Or maybe—I’m stretching to make this argument on your behalf—you feel she’s shown that she doesn’t respect your property and you don’t want to have to risk leaving another meeting to deal with whatever may happen if she comes back.
But, let’s be honest, you want to ban her because you’re tired of her whole way of moving through the world. That’s fine. Go for it. Just know that she will still have the same mother and the same issues in her life that make her want to lie and steal. Your ban isn’t going to heal her or set her on the straight and narrow. It’s just going to let her know you want to get her back. Once you send that message, you’re setting the relationship on a certain track and it may be hard to reroute it in the future. In other words, do what you need to stand up for yourself and your pool. But don’t write to me (or your sister-in-law) confused and hurt when you don’t make the wedding guest list in 15 years.
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Dear Prudence,
Dear Care and Feeding,
I live in a very touristy town that is a hop, skip, and jump away from the ocean. I am fine having guests when they are polite, clean, and don’t treat me like their personal maid and tour guide. So only a select few of my family gets to come. Otherwise, I am always “busy” when family members ask to visit. My two adult nieces are basically walking and talking pigs. They are seemingly incapable of cleaning up after themselves no matter what anyone says or does.
I made the mistake of letting them visit after college and was left with having to repaint my bathroom and get a new couch (they got drunk and decided to dye their hair while I was gone—it looked like a tie-dye bomb had gone off in my house). And it took me a week to find all the dirty dishes they had left behind. One was on top of my bookshelf, behind a display plate! I love my sister but she has a huge, huge blind spot when it comes to her girls. My sister is very unhappy about my unwillingness to host her daughters. What makes this more complicated is that I am very willing to host her son! My nephew is polite, respectful, and a good cook. I have never had a problem with him (and his friends) visiting me, not even as a teenager. (I think the worst thing that ever happened was they missed the last bus and had to call me for a ride. He was deeply apologetic.)
The disparity between my nephew and my nieces has been a growing problem. My nieces blame their brother (and, by the way, they don’t talk to me about this—they just whine to my sister about sexism and favoritism). It is very hard on my nephew since lives at home right now. He is supposed to visit at the end of the summer with his new boyfriend but wants to cancel because it will cause drama at home. I don’t know what to do. Talking to my sister is like trying to argue with a brick wall. Bringing my nieces into the conversation feels like throwing gasoline on a fire. I would like to see my nephew and his new beau.
—Oceanfront Aunt
Dear Ocean Front Aunt,
I will never understand adults who insist on going to homes where they are not welcome! Anyway, it’s great that your nieces aren’t talking to you directly. That means it’s not your job to deal with them. You don’t have to go back and forth with your sister, either. To your nephew, say, “The invitation stands. I’m inviting you because you’ve always been a great guest. If it causes too much drama for you to come when I can’t also host your sisters, I completely understand but my door is open to you any time. Or I’d love to meet for lunch.”
Check out how a Care and Feeding columnist answered this question.
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