Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
There’s a TV-time disagreement in my household, which consists of me, my husband, and our toddler. The toddler wants hours of Cocomelon and Paw Patrol, and my husband is happy to oblige. I am not. I hate the TV. I hate that our son is so transfixed by it that he doesn’t want to eat, play, or interact with us. He has tantrums when he wants TV and then tantrums when we turn it off. I’m willing to compromise (we don’t have to ban the TV, just agree on some limits), but when I bring this up, my husband says, “Well, I was raised by the TV and I turned out fine.” This is true. My in-laws were/are troubled people and I guess the TV did a good job raising him all by itself because my husband is great. So I’m not sure what to say when he says that. Yes, he turned out great, but I still don’t think that unlimited TV is good for our son, who has two loving and present parents to play and read with him. I’ve deliberately avoided a dynamic where I, the mother, direct my husband on how to parent. But how do I move the conversation forward when, “Well, I did this and I was fine,” comes up? It just shuts down the conversation.
—We are Never Ever Buying an iPad
Dear Never Ever,
The defensive “Well, I did it and I turned out fine” is among the most infuriating phrases in the parenting lexicon. Don’t let it shut down the conversation. Don’t lose your temper or your patience either (count to 10). Tell him he turned out fine—better than fine, as you say—despite not having parents who were attentive and engaged, and that you’re thankful he had the inner resources somehow to parent himself with the help of TV and whatever else he was able to rely on to make up for what he didn’t have. Remind him that you and he can do better than his parents were able to, and that your child deserves more—that all children deserve the best that the adults who love them can provide.
Then let him know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting screen time to children ages 2 through 5 to one hour (of high-quality television only) a day. If he’s an oh-what-do-they-know? type, this won’t help much, I realize. I hope he’s not. I hope what’s going on here is a combination of his being tired—using the TV as a babysitter—and a maybe-not-quite-conscious impulse to rewrite his own history, because the truth is painful. And that he can get on board with doing what’s best for his son.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a parenting and friendship etiquette question. My best friend and I have children close in age (4 through 8). We get together as just adults and also as families for parties and barbecues. I’ve noticed over the years that my friend can be critical of my oldest child. For example, while I am intervening in a squabble and dealing with my kid, she will come over and scold him as well (e.g., she’ll say, “You need to share more/be nice”). All the kids involved are good kids, with no behavioral issues at school, etc., but it is clear that my kids and her kids would not independently develop a friendship. Things came to a head recently while hanging out with just the adults, and my friend made some critical comments about my child and my parenting, basically that I should discipline more. My husband and I are happy with our kids and our parenting.
I have decided to see my friend now in adult-only situations because I don’t want to worry about her being critical of my kid (or me!) or worried that her kids are having a bad time because of my kid. I don’t have this issue with any of the other families we know, and I’d prefer to limit family BBQs and parties to the adults and kids we know all get along. I should also note that my friend and I have different circles and she wouldn’t be hearing about the parties from other people. Is this petty of me, or is it a good solution?
—Don’t Want to Deal With It
Dear Deal With It,
I think this is an excellent solution, not petty at all, and I think you’re a bigger person than I am, because if I were you, I would break up with this friend. I assume there are reasons you like her that you haven’t mentioned, but I haven’t even met her and I dislike her very much, based on what you’ve reported. But if this friendship is a meaningful, important one to you, I endorse your plan. You’ll have to be prepared for her to ask, eventually, why you never invite them (or accept their invitations) to gatherings that include their kids and yours anymore—and to make a decision about whether to tell the truth (I would!). But you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My kids (15, 15, 16, and 18) got a lot of Christmas presents from out-of-state relatives (they always do). When they were little, writing and sending out thank-you cards was a big, fun production. We used art supplies they’d gotten for Christmas to make the cards, picked out special stamps for the envelopes, and generally went all out. I hoped that this would help them form a habit—and even a love—of sending thank-you cards or notes, that when they were older, they’d do it instinctively, with pleasure. It did not. It is like pulling teeth to get them to do anything (even send a text!) to acknowledge gifts.
Last year, we eventually had a stony card-writing session that left me and one of my kids on the verge of tears. I told myself this year that I would not nag them, and that they are getting old enough so that they can handle their relationships with extended family on their own, in whatever way they see fit. But now I am fretting because outside of a quick thank-you text from me, none of our relatives are even aware that their gifts were received, much less heard a word of thanks from the recipients. Plus, we have our eldest’s graduation coming up and I know there will be gifts coming in for that as well, which I’m worried will also go unacknowledged. Is it OK for me to leave this in their hands or should I continue pushing them to do something—even just send a text?
—Frustrated and Far from Family
Dear Frustrated,
I wouldn’t “leave it in their hands” or keep “pushing.” If you never say a word about it, I can pretty much guarantee they’ll never thank these family members for the gifts they receive as teens (not out of fundamental meanness or selfishness, but just because teenagers are practically by definition self-centered and oblivious to other people’s feelings). But if you badger them, their resentment will lay another layer (of rebelliousness and petulance) atop their insensibility and thus do more harm than good. How about this? Gently, but firmly, let them know that if they don’t thank people for sending them gifts, there’s a very good chance the gifts will stop coming. Assure them that the art-project thank-yous of their childhood are not the standard they’re being held to (whether they’re conscious of it or not, they may indeed feel this way—an unintended consequence of making a whole production out of thank-you cards for years), that a phone call or email or, yes, even a text is all that’s necessary. And then don’t mention it to them again.
But do talk to your relatives yourself. Tell them how much you appreciate their sending presents to your kids, tell them you hope the kids have thanked them, and (if they haven’t) let them know that you’ve told the kids not to expect a continued shower of gifts that go unacknowledged. Then their aunts and uncles and grandparents et al. can make their own decisions about how to proceed (in other words, don’t instruct them not to keep sending gifts—that’s not your job). At that point, you can wash your hands of the whole situation, and hope that when they’re all grown up they’ll do better.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Our youngest is 17 and in their senior year of high school. Due to a combination of physical disabilities and mental health issues, they’re not on the typical track of other kids in our community. They’re not thriving, have no plans to attend a four-year college, don’t do any extracurriculars, etc. Unfortunately, all anyone we know wants to talk about is their kids and ask about ours, which is becoming increasingly painful for my wife—so much so that she doesn’t really want to socialize anymore. We also have financial challenges, so hearing about everyone’s amazing vacations and new cars isn’t much fun either. But if I learned one thing from the pandemic, it was that I really need in-person social interactions, and I prefer to do things as a couple because I am a bit of an introvert. Our kid isn’t going to have a sudden turnaround and we have at least five years of people wanting to talk about theirs, so I’m not sure how to navigate this conundrum.
—Missing My Wingwoman
Dear Missing,
It’s not really a conundrum, is it? Your wife doesn’t want to socialize right now and you do. Being a “bit of an introvert” doesn’t mean you get to drag her out with you if she doesn’t want to go. If you need in-person interactions, go get them (I do, and so I do; my husband doesn’t—except with me—and so he doesn’t). You’ll have to learn to manage without your “wingwoman.” And to be honest, the fact that you think about her this way (even jokingly) isn’t helping matters. It sounds to me like you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Your wife and your child both need you right now. Maybe put your energy into that before you venture out (alone!) for fun with others.
—Michelle
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My husband and I are in our early 30s, and we have been married for almost five years. We have one child, a daughter, who is 14 months old. We had no trouble conceiving, but I had a challenging pregnancy and a traumatic labor resulting in an emergency Cesarean and an awful recovery. Our daughter has also had some health issues that she thankfully has grown out of or will grow out of over the next few years, but this first year has been incredibly difficult. I am only just now feeling like I’m getting back to myself.
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